Just for a hearty laugh.........!

(Based loosely on a concept by Paul J. Leigh of Base Logic Computers)

Tours of a Lifetime


Sutton-Pryce & Baudin PLC

Bespoke Couriers since 1996

6 December 1996

Mr and Mrs Smith

PO Box 999



Dear Mr and Mrs Smith

Our Proposals for Euro-extravaganza '97

Thank you affording Sutton-Pryce and Baudin the opportunity of planning your dream vacation. From our extensive advertising in the print and electronic media you will be familiar with our impeccable reputation as the premier choice of the discerning traveller who doesn't have a clue how to organise things himself.

In response to your request to "show us Europe in two weeks" we have taken the liberty of lovingly hand-crafting a small selection of representative tours for your perusal and consideration. Should you require tour items not shown here, please do not hesitate to call on one of our consultants who will be more than happy to fine-tune a tour to your requirements.

1. The Pizza Express

Based loosely on one of our more popular pre-packaged tours, this tour will have the mozzarella lovers in your party going deep-dishy over its menu of geographic gastronomy. Your tour departs from Zürich's tony Kloten Airport. Once you have turned down a sixteen rand cup of coffee you will climb aboard an SBB train (second class) for the three-and-a-half hour cross-country trek to the Grand St Bernard tunnel into Italy. After a brief pause to reflect on the Swiss obsession with stringing aesthetically challenged electric cables over every marginally picturesque street - and that's all you'll be able to afford to pause for in Switzerland - you will press ahead for a thin-and-crusty in Milano, a spicy Genoa in Genoa, a wander in Roma, a visit to the public conveniences in Pisa, a Napoli in Napoli and indeed a Four Seasons in Four Seasonia if you have the time and capacity. Having had your fill of Olive Oil you Popeye up to Paris to practice your French ("Le bic de mon tante est dans le jardin"). An optional side-dish is a day tour to Brussels for some Sprouts and a quick dash through Le Tunnel to Waterloo (in case the facilities in Pisa prove inadequate). Based on European Rail's EuroDomino fare, this tour offers flexibility that Stretcho Man would be proud of and is especially recommended for the sucker, naive, inexperienced traveller.

2. The Segovia

While this tour also commences with your stepping off a gleaming Swissair MD-11 at Klöten, it is designed more for those who appreciate the warmth of the Spanish - the wine, the women, the song (forget the song!). The cold metallic crispness of Zürich (and those tetchy Swiss) soon gives way to the excitement of a quick dash to Barcelona and the Med. After relaxing on the beach (mind the sewage, mind the gap) why not take a short ferry ride to Mallorca or Ibiza. Returning sated, you will head on to Madrid and Seville (where the nuts oranges come from) and take copious notes of your experiences at your first bullfight. Euro-Disneyland awaits your refreshed soul and here Mickey and his friends will fleece you of any remaining funds (all major credit cards accepted). Blowing off the Louvre and Versailles as too touristy, too expensive and, frankly, downright boring, you congratulate yourself on having prepaid your passage to Blighty. You then board that flammable marvel, the Eurostar, for a 300 km/h dash to Calais and a plunge into that wonder of Franco-British engineering (if not project management) the Channel Tunnel. On reaching the British side, your train will slow to a graceful and comfortable 40 mph. (The British never did get around to building a dedicated high-speed line for the Eurostar so you'll be sharing the line with all manner of unseemly commuter trains.) This will allow you to take in the charming Kent countryside and to take leisurely sips of your warm lager bought from a quaintly dishevelled British Rail conductor. Waterloo Station is your gateway to London. This tour includes a free three-day London Transport Authority Travelcard.

3. The New Republics

Based on tours favoured by those looking for adventure (and indeed the intimacy requested by one member of your party), we have put together a package that is both cheap and nasty. No effort has been spared to give a truly authentic feel to this tour of the former Iron Curtain states. From the superficial sophistication of Switzerland you will be whisked to the Hungarian border where you will stand for three hours in an authentic looking pre-democracy queue. A large customs official will ask you some questions about your personal habits and stamp your passport. (A fee of 200 000 Forints or a packet of fags will be levied.) Following a sleepless night, a hearty breakfast of cabbage, potatoes and vodka will be served in Budapest Central Station (eat as much as you like). A tour of the red-light district will follow - please bring your own latex products as those sold locally do not meet SABS standards. With a broad smile you will now press on for bohemian and enchanting Prague, capital of the new Czech Republic. Why not drop in at McDonalds which is highly rated by locals and tourists alike? You will then head over the Polish border (after a chin-wag with another charming bureaucrat). Krakow is renowned for the friendliness of its inhabitants so no opportunities should be wasted here. At last, filled with gratitude at not having been born Eastern European, you pensively head for home via Berlin (taking care to avoid the eastern bit - nothing's really changed). A slow train to Paris will give you your connection to the Chunnel and London where you will be taken aback at the polite efficiency of British Rail services. Time will heal that dodgy stomach. (The rash, however, will require specialist attention.)

4. The Former Yugoslavia

Bored by back-packing with thousands of other stuffed shirts? If you are the adventurer's adventurer then this is the tour for you. No need to bother with EuroDomino, the Eurostar or railway station breakfasts - you're on your own now. Starting in Zagreb, you will dodge snipers in suicide alley. Leopard-crawling all the way to Split, you will volunteer for a mystery assignment with the remnants of the Bosnian-Serb forces and may well end up in Dubrovnik or Sarajevo. Take high-tea with the UN forces in Mostar - the UN forces captured by the Serbs, of course. Witness a mock trial and authentic looking execution. See the inside of a real military hospital and witness for yourself the effects of sanctions.

Note: Medical Insurance is highly recommended. A Dignity Plan is mandatory.

We trust that this tantalising soupçon has piqued your appetite and given rise to an itch in your feet. Remember that the highly trained and professional staff of Sutton-Pryce and Baudin are never more than a phone call away.

Payment details are available on request and involve numbered Swiss bank accounts.

We look forward to flying with you.

Yours faithfully

(for Sutton-Pryce and Baudin PLC)

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